"Words have meaning and names have power", Memoirs 2016 #1

This is one of my 40 before 40 goals. I'm going to begin them now, and add to them periodically, so by the time it's my time I'll have something for those left behind to remember me by. That's my thinking anyway. I found this site while compiling my 40 before 40 list and my aim is to get through as much as I can during this decade. What I really want to ensure is that I take my time to write as much as I can about the subject and that I talk to those around me to get their thoughts. Here we go!

What is your full name? Explain why your parents gave you that name.

My full name is Katherine Patricia. I've always quite liked my name, although in my own immediate family I never remember being called 'Katherine'. It was always Kate. There are a few family members that call me Katherine, still to this day, one in particular who calls me 'Kaferine', I think imitating the way my cousins may have said my name when we were kids. Throughout my teenage years I was called 'Kat' and there's many of my friends who refuse to call me anything but. Mostly, nowadays I get called Kate, although there are still those few that call me variations of. One variant that I don't particularly like is 'Kathy'. One of my favourite uncles, my great Uncle Bryce called me Kathy, and he was the only one that I've ever let do it. I'm not sure why I don't like it so much, it's just not for me. Damien's entire family calls me 'Pearcey', which is my maiden name. It kinda makes me feel like one of the boys - hah! - so I let it slide. 

Katherine is a name of latin origin and means pure and clear and Patricia is also of latin origin, derived from the word Patrician, meaning noble. I'm not sure about those things. Pure in particular makes me laugh. I'm in no way your stock standard lady and I swear like an absolute sailor. Noble on the other hand - totally me. I definitely show high moral principles and fine personal qualities - right? 

I spoke to my mum about why I was given the name Katherine and I feel like I need to preface the tale with the fact that one, I'm the fourth child... not as much thought is put into naming your fourth as your first and two, not every name has an amazing story. Mum and dad returned home with me after a couple of days in hospital, a baby with no name. They had a list of names they were running through and mum simply said to dad, "What about Katherine?". Dad liked the sound of it and after running through various spellings of the name, they settled on the classic Catherine, but with a K rather than a C. Mum told me she liked 'Patricia', so that's why it was my middle name. I can see where I get my bossy streak from!

And that's all there is to it, the story of my name. I'm looking forward to writing more of these and sharing more tidbits about my life that you might not know about me.

xx

Zzzzzzzz......

Zest. I love citrus - orange and lemon flavoured anything are my jam! Strangely enough, with many things actually, Damien doesn't. It works well I guess - if we have a bag of lollies I get to eat all the orange ones and he never asks me for any of the lemon cheesecake roses when we're sharing a box of my teacher goodies at the end of the year. Other times it doesn't work well, if I do any baking I often stray away from these things because I like to make things we'll all eat. Sigh. My favourite of favourites is lemon bats - YUM!

whY whY whY

Yum! I love to cook and bake. Baking, out of the two, is probably my strong point, but I always feel 'at home' in the kitchen. I like to create old favourites and I love trying new things. With the explosion of the internet of things I always have an abundance of new recipes to try - to the delight of my husband, usually. We were talking the other day about how I've only ever really really mucked up one thing beyond wanting to eat it. It was a slow cooker lamb dish and I don't know exactly what happened but it turned to mush. Needless to say we went and got take aways that night.

X marks the spot.

I'm having to get very creative with x....

Xtra. With nothing else to write about for x, I really had to wrack my brain. I came up with 'xtra', you know, the internet provider from the late 90s. My love of the internet began when I was about 10. My brother was paying for our connection I think and I remember having a virtual tiger pet.

I then began talking to people online in my early teens. ICQ and MSN messenger was my 'apps' of choice. I made a lot of cool friends, many that I didn't know and although I wasn't bombarded with the 'Digital citizenship and safety' stuff that kids have today, I didn't get into any trouble.....well, much.

But the biggest thing I remember, from the internet before wifi and the amazing connectedness we have nowadays, was that noise....dial-up. You know it. You hate it, we all did. Especially when it made the engaged sound...ergh!

If you wannabe my W...you gotta get with my friends.

Worthy. It took me a while to realise that I was worthy of someone else's genuine love. As I've said already in this series, I had many dickhead boyfriends and it often took me too long to get rid of them when things went awry. Often I was not picking quality, but just being with someone because that's how I preferred to be.

Work. There's a very grey line between my work life and my home life. With being a teacher, your job can become all consuming. If you let it, it's never ending - there's always a resource to make or an article to read that will better your practice. I feel like I balance it out quite well though. I may be on my laptop after the girls go to bed until it's my own bed time most nights, but I always make sure I make time to spend time with all the people in my family. Mummy is a very busy little bee.

V for.....

Let's have a list aye?

Very.... stubborn, organised, opinionated, easy-going, busy, goal focussed, motivated aaaaaaaand vivacious!

yoU

Unique. I definitely try to be. I've been saying a lot recently that Willow marches to the beat of her own drum, but really... who am I kidding, I'm probably the one she gets it from. My main philosophy in life is to do things that make you happy, and for the most part, those are the only things I do. It's working out well. I also love unique people. I talked in 'Q' how I liked quirky people. It's usually from afar. I just admire them, particularly unique looking people. Needless to say I've had many 'discussions' with others about uniforms in schools, or hard and fast uniform rules.

Unflappable. It's pretty difficult to ruffle my feathers. I like this about myself. It's helped me a lot, but most notably with some special needs children. Staying calm often helps to keep them calm in certain situations, and I do that well.

Mr T

Teacher. Through and through. I remember playing 'school' with my nana when I was a kid, and how I would have loved her to have seen me graduate with my Bachelor in Teaching. I started in a classroom having just turned 20, like a few days before school began, and I've had highs and lows, but it's what I love. When things are going right, I love teaching. It's what I'm meant to be doing, and I love it.

Traditions. I've been really big on ensuring that our girls have traditions and things they love about their childhood. Every birthday, easter and christmas have traditions and I love making memories with them. It's one of the best parts of being a parent I think.

Thankful. I have to be, right? Great, great things in my life, and I'm very thankful for all of them.

Yes S!

Sook. I am the biggest sook when it comes to books and movies (heck, even ads , blog posts or youtube shorts) that pull at your heart strings. I will cry at the drop of a hat - usually when there's something to do with animals or children, or anything heart warming. You can guarantee it, I'll have a wee tear.

Soulmate. I've found mine. I really believe it. I've said it before, but I'll say it again - don't get me wrong, we fight, we have ups and downs, but it's totally more up than down and Damien makes me as comfortable as possible. That might sound really lacklustre but I think it's important. I don't worry about him straying, I don't want for anything, I feel appreaciated and most importantly - I'm happy and I feel loved. We're imperfectly perfect.

Stubborn. Am I what!? Holy moly. 

Be vewy vewy quiet... we're hunting for R

Rich. Not in money, but in experiences and in family and love. I have such a rich life, I really do and when I sit back and think about it, it's actually pretty cool. I'd love to have given my 15 year old self a peek into what life was going to be like when I had that elusive husband, children and mortgage. I could put some of her worries at rest and let her just live and enjoy her teenage years rather than worry about why some boy doesn't like me, or how if I could just lose a bit of weight things would be better. Pft, I've put a lot more weight on now mate and it's sooo super better. You have a great life 15 year old me, promise.

Ruthless. I am the queen of the cull. I love to throw things out and do it periodically both at home and at work in my classroom. I'm currently even doing it to our school staff room (a major dumping ground). On the flip side, I'm married to somewhat of a hoarder who often utters the phrase, "but we might use it at some point". No, no we won't, chuck it out.

Reader. Speaking of my 15 year old self. I'm so pissed off at her that she didn't begin my love of reading sooner. I only became a reader in my late teens and as busy as I am, I still to this day, always like to have a novel on the go. I wish I was a bookworm kid, but again I was too worried about friendships and wot not. Oh to have time to have my nose in a book (or at my phone of tablet on kindle) for an extended period of time without putting myself to sleep. I now look forward to retirement where I envisage an old lady surrounded in piles and piles of books... or a very full kindle library.

Cutie Q

Queen! I have been falling more and more in love with Constance Hall recently.  Initially I wasn't that interested because I try to stray away from people who talk constantly about how hard parenting is and continuously make jokes about how they're struggling etc, but Constance is just real. Like, not trying to be 'real', she's just herself, and I can totally appreciate that. I've learnt as I get older than just being your genuine self is super empowering and this chick is super empowering.

Quirky. Chances are I will attach myself to you much faster if you are a teeny tiny bit quirky. I like weird.

poP

Positive. I feel like I've already talked about positivity quite a lot in this series, so I'll just leave this lovely quote here.

Puppies! I can't remember a time that I didn't love puppies. I've always been an animal lover and I'm a dog person through and through. Any dogs I love, but rottweilers are a recurring theme in my life. I remember as an 8 year old being passed a teeny tiny rottie pup over the fence from our neighbours who had just had a litter and then when meeting the love of my life to find that his cousin also had a beautiful rott. I often wish the puppy stage could stay around a wee while longer, particularly in aesthetics (not so much in energy levels!).

Oh, Oh, Oh

Optimist. I like to look on a bright side. I love positivity and I love positivity stories and quotes. I like to think that something better is always just on the horizon. This cuts directly in with my depression, where I don't feel optimistic at all, but somehow, one way or another that side of me fights back. It's definitely a back and forth action, but it's there, and I'm grateful.

Organised. I am an organised FREAK. I like right angles, I like organisational baskets and bins, I love labels and I like cleanliness. Organising things pleases me and makes me feel content. Messy places make me a bit twitchy and I've often been found cleaning up places that aren't mine.

Outgoing. I'm a contradiction in myself, as with many of the other things about me. I do like going out and I'm fairly outgoing. I do also like to stay in. Sometimes I can't even choose!

Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, Letter N

Nice. That's all I can really think of for N. I try to be the nicest person, mother, wife, friend I can, but I'm often hard on myself about it. I often feel selfish for things that I do, or don't do and it brings me down. Inner talk can be a bummer if you don't work on making it positive. It's always important to first be nice to yourself... and as I've said before in this series, I'm working on it.

Mmmmmmmmm

Masters. In the next ten years I'm wanting to get my masters of education. I've made the first step this year with getting my post-graduate and I'm hoping to continue along the same line.

Mum. One of the biggest roles in my life is being a mum. Once I went from not being a mum to being one, that's really all that mattered. I love being a mum. That's not to say that it's not hard sometimes and that I love every second, but I couldn't be without these two little faces. I can't remember when it was like before them and although I'd love a sleep in or a quiet Sunday afternoon now and then, I know that I wouldn't go back for anything.

L-L-L-L-L Love Love

Lists. God I love lists. I make lists upon lists to help me focus on what I need to do. I'm so OCD about this that I cull my lists constantly and make new ones. I have a busy brain and doing this allows me to calm down somewhat.

Lucky. I consider myself a lucky person. I've won a few things and I've even spawned one of the most lucky people I know (who also begins with an L), Leah! When pregnant with Leah I won a couple of big sums of money and then when she was about 6 months old she won a $5000 prize from a bank competition. She's a tin arse, just like her mum.

Laugh. I love to laugh. I don't take anything too seriously, anything. This can get up people's nose sometimes, but that's not my problem!

Kickin' it with K

Kind. I try as much as possible to be as kind as possible and I always, always preach kindness to both the children I teach and to myself. Ellen's 'Be kind to one another' has become my mantra. The world is going a bit nuts at the moment and I can't understand a lot of it. It might be naivety on my part, but I don't see why people can't just get along! Be kind people, be kind.

Kaizen. One of my favourite words. It's a Japanese business concept about continual improvement and personal efficiency which I am aaaaaaaaaall about.

Kate! I've been known by many names in my life. I got called Katherine or Kate (at home) for the first few years of my life before Kate became my preferred moniker. In my teenage years I was known (and still am by many of my old friends) as Kat. The only person who was ever allowed to call me Kathy was my late (and super great) Uncle Bryce.

Jumping J Flash

Joker. As I went over in the F post, I like to try to be as funny as possible. I often wonder why this is. I do know my dad was a joker and my family is far from serious at the best of times, so I guess in a way I got it from dad. He loved to have a laugh. Believe it or not, as a child I was very shy and quiet and it was only through my teenage years that I came out of my shell and become the outspoken person I am today. I also wonder if I was trying to compensate for my perception of how I looked by being the joker. I've never liked how I looked and would believe that no one else would either, so I had to work on my personality to have people like me (in my mind). I like how I've turned out! Haha.

Jammin'. My husband has recently got me listening to Bob Marley. I've never really liked reggae music and I'm not 100% sure why but with Damien being as relentless as he is with stealing my car stereo, I've begun to appreciate Bob Marley with quite a lot of respect. My favourite song is 'Them Belly Full' which has the such a great line - "A rain a-fall, but the dutty tough" which really means "The rain falls, but the dirt is tough". How fucking beautiful is that?

Eye

Interesting. At least, I think I am. I'm a super fan girl, and if you're talking about any one of the things that I'm interested in (there's a few) I will be your bestest friend. I think all my infatuations with things make me an interesting person. I would like to know me at least! My fan girldom status makes me have a very indepth knowledge of the things that I'm interested in and I can literally talk for hours. I get very excited!

Independent. As much as I love and need my close family, I am a very independent person. I've said to Damien a couple of times that I often enjoy the nights when he's late home because I can do what I want on my own timeline (much to his sadness). I do get lonely, but I also enjoy being alone.

Innovative. In my line of work I like to keep up to date with the new developments. I enjoy trawling twitter and pinterest for the newest things and giving them a try if I think they fit in with my exisiting pedagogy.

Hhhhhello H

Happy. I think I show the outer demeanor of happiness most of the time. No matter what I'm feeling inside it's hard to see me without a smile on my face or trying my best to be positive. I'm also very content with my life. That doesn't mean I'm not pushing to improve or make changes, but I am happy with where I'm at.

Hugger. I love to hug.

Hair. I'm so excited to get my hair did tomorrow. I've had many hairstyles over the years and many, many different colours. I feel sorry for my hair sometimes, it's been through a lot. I'm loving how long it is at the moment - makes me feel girly!

What up G?

Gorgeous. This is one of my favourite words. Unfortunately I don't think it enough about myself, but I love describing others and other things with it. Sometimes though, I do feel it, and I relish these times, it's lovely to feel that way. I'd like that kind of confidence all the time.

Gamer. I've loved games for as long as I remember. I think back to before I was even school age and watching others play our Atari. A gaming console of the late 80s/early 90s.  I don't remember playing too much (now having a 4 year old of my own I can understand why) but I loved watching. When I was about 5 my family purchased an Amiga 500. A cool little home computer that my brother and I loved to play games on. I remember pinball, racing games, side scrollers, minigolf and platform games. I loved them all. And I still do. I am what you would now consider a 'nostalgic gamer'. Although I appreciate what modern graphics can do and how unbelievingly large games are today, I still like oder games more. I've even just tattooed myself with 4 characters from my favourite series - Paper Mario.

Grateful. I am so thankful for all that I have. I have two beautiful girls and the most amazing husband and I don't take those things for granted whatsoever. They are my world and I would do anything for each of them, as well as my fur baby Jake. I am very lucky to have what I do, and I am very grateful for it all.

For Fs sake!

Fuck! I swear far too much, and terribly (to many) I don't even sensor it around the girls. We've sacrificed a lot having kids, surely I shouldn't have to sensor myself in front of them too! I'd rather be myself and talk how I always do and teach my girls when it's appropriate to use those words (when you're an adult!) rather than not use them at all. They then become taboo words and I want to be as real as possible with my kids as much as I can.

Friend to animals. I absolutely adore animals, sometimes more than people. I've always been this way. When I was a kid and we would go visiting at a relatives house I would always hone straight in on whatever animals they had and that would be me for the entire time I was there - patting, holding, playing. Strangely enough, I'm quite allergic to animals hair - of those that I'm not used it, but I can't help it, I just love 'em.

Funny. LOOKING, hahahaha. I like to make jokes and I feel like I'm a bit witty. People tend to laugh around me and I seem to get on with those that can take a joke the best. I also like to have a good laugh.

Excellent E

Easy-going.

In all that I do. I'm a bit of a contradiction really because I'm very opinionated and I like to voice my opinion, but I'm also quite easy going. I don't force my opinions on anyone - other than to listen to my bullshit, lol, and I try to stay clear of outwardly judging others (much harder to stop altogether, in my brain I judge almost automatically). I think this is why Damien and I work so well together. We both don't give too many shits about anything, and when we do we can just casually talk about it.

Excitable.

Tattoos. Horror movies. Nintendo gaming. Rottweilers. Disney. Skulls. I'm a fan girl, that's for sure. And the minute you begin talking about anything that I'm into I will be your best friend. I often make a high pitched squealy noise when I'm super excited and my hands move double time.

Enthusiastic.

This is actually something that I'd like to display more. I have such an outward demeanor of non-chalance and sarcasm that I hide how enthusiastic I am about things sometimes. For fear of being judged usually.

Educator.

Deep down, whether I'm still enjoying teaching in the current climate or not, I love to teach. I am attracted to any information about teaching or working with kids even when I'm not looking for it. Deep down, I'm a teacher.

The D has it!

Dedicated. Determined. Driven.

I feel like all of these things fit in together.  As I think I've already said in this series. I'm dedicated to continually improving myself in every day possible. I'm 100% goal driven and I'm not scared of hard work to get where I want (in most aspects that is). I worry though, that I'm going to get through life and either not be happy where I'm at in the end or that I spend all my time of improvement and I'm never happy with what I have, or too tied up to enjoy the moment. I overthink things, can you tell? (whoops, should wait for O for that one!) Because of this I try to both keep busy with my many ventures of improvement and enjoy the moment and I'm definitely getting better with it.

Depressed.

I didn't know whether I wasted to include this one or not, even though I've written about it before. But I got such a positive lot of feedback from speaking out about it last time that I wanted to include it because I'm not ashamed of it. It's a tough pill to swallow for me - quite literally - because I try to be a tower of strength. I definitely don't stray away from crying (just watch any slightly emotional you tube clip with me) and I feel like I'm good at owning my feelings, and usually being far too vocal with my opinions, but depression is different. I just re-read that post from earlier and it's such a good description of where I was, and to an extent still am. It scares me to come off the medication and go back to a place I was... a place that some days, I'm still at. My mum had a good way of looking at it, tell me that I simply have a problem with my brain that needs medication to balance out - what's wrong with that. If it was my heart would I think I shouldn't be taking pills? Heck no, so why for my brain?

A sailor went to C C C...

Committed. As in, not single. My husband and I were married in 2011, and he is the absolute love of my life. Yeah, yeah, I know...but it's true. I even knew it when I was 7 years old! You can read about our story here.

Confident. Something I would like to build in myself. I'm trying, but she's a hard road mate.

Curious. In a big way. I love to learn new things and I like to be in the know.

Short and sweet today xox

Beautiful Beeeeeeeeeeee

Badass. Or at least I try to be. I don't mean in the 'I ride a motorbike and have a tonne of tough stickers' kinda way, although I do have a few tattoos. I just mean that I say what I think most of the time, sometimes with little thought of how it will reflect on myself. I actually struggle with this, particularly with my profession, as I feel I should be more reserved at times. More often than not, this internal struggle is worked out with 'fuck it' and deciding that to be true to myself and what I think is the best way about it. Most people appreciate this about me, and those that don't? Meh.

Beauty in all things. Something I like to try and see. I've found that since I took up photography I look at things in a different way than before. I'm often looking a lot harder at things than many people and I revel in the beauty of nature (mostly). I'm a strange creature in that I like the outdoors, but not really so much being in them (at times) so I make the most of it when I'm out and about. This has seen my clumsy arse walk into or fall over things many a time.

Better and better. I'm all about self improvement - mentally, physically (not that you'd know), academically, spiritually. I believe it's what we're all here for - to become the best version of ourselves. I try my damn hardest to be mine and go balls to the wall with anything I decide to do. Putting this pressure on myself if hard at times, and I get grumpy at myself when I take breaks, but it all evens out somewhere. I think if we're all heading in the right direction of self improvement, then it doesn't matter which path or journey we take, or how long it takes us to get there, as long as we're moving.

Beautiful. That's a hard one to write sadly, it should be the easiest. But as the last paragraph says, we're all on a journey, and I'm on one to accept myself and my body as beautiful. It's a hard road! It's especially hard to catch yourself when you're so used to making sarcastic comments about how you look. But I'm determined (whoops, should keep that for D!) to be a woman that's comfortable in her own skin and whose confidence reiterates that. I will get there!

A - Z challenge, in July?

One of my 40 before 40 goals is to complete the A-Z blogging challenge every year in April. As you can see, I forgot (lets put it down to the fact I work full time, have two kids under 5, thought it would be a good idea to do 3 courses - including a postgraduate, and you know - also have some time to myself where I blob and watch NRL). But, not one to be put off by a couple of months, I decided I would get it done now. I'm currently on school holidays and if I can smash out heaps of them during this time then boom! Let see how I go huh?

Another good thing about this is that I'm currently doing an A-Z photography challenge so I can share my photos on each post! Clever!

My 'theme' if you will, is simply to write about my life, organised with words that begin with the letter of the day. Here goes!

Artistic. I really enjoy art, but I would classify myself as an artist. I was one of those children who was always drawing and colouring, but unfortunately I still draw as if I'm around that age. Hah! I would love the time to get better, but for now, it's just doodling. I do enjoy creating things digitally - mostly because it's other people's art and I'm just organising it.

 

Awakened. Up to only a year or so ago I would have laughed at you if you spent more money on organic food, when you can get the same item for much less without the organic tag. But recently, I've been doing some reading and viewing that makes a lot of sense to me when it comes to what we put in our mouth, and chemicals. It makes sense to me now, to buy food that hasn't been tampered in anyway with chemicals or antibiotics. Our bodies simply aren't made to cope with them on such a large scale. I'm a great example of this and I'm hoping to be a good example of the opposite once I get my head around how to eat a largely plant based diet when I don't like veges that much. Tips?

Adorable. Last night I was going through some old photos to get them ready to go into photobooks (something else that's been left to the wolves while I do life) and it still amazes me how cute my kids are some times. I don't say that in a braggy way, just in a mum absolutely adoring her kids way. Mothers are supposed to think that right? It's a lovely feeling. No matter how annoying they can be and no matter how many buttons they push, I can still look at a photo of their wee faces and be in love.

Best Chocolate Chip Cookies ever

I'm not even joking you guys. These are incredible. I ate about 57 of them in the space of half an hour and they're SO easy to make - all in one bowl. The best part - they can be in your mouth in less than half an hour all up, (pro-tip) they can be in there in less than 10 minutes if you keep a batch whipped up in your freezer.



The recipe can be found here. Go there. Make them. Thank me tomorrow.

Through the eyes of Jake - #1

Preface:
Yesterday it was confirmed that our beautiful and beloved pet Jake has a fairly aggressive cancer. There's little we can do and so to with my absolute grief, to cope, I write.  A little while ago I read this account of what seems like someone going through the same thing, and that's what I've taken inspiration from.

18 - 19 April 2016
We're going for a ride in the car today. I love going for rides on the car and I love it when my mummy is home on school holiday. Mummy found a weird lump in my throat yesterday. I think it's why I've been so thirsty during the night recently and why, even though daddy tells me off, I've been drinking from the toilet.

We pull up outside that place we go to once a year. There's dogs and cats on the sign and a big cow in the window. Is it real? Better keep an eye on it just in case. We talk to a nice lady at the counter who speaks in a high voice and knows my name! We're waiting to see that man that seems friendly but smells funny. I am a good boy in the waiting room and mum scratches my ears. I love when she does that. I also get treats if I 'mat' and 'wait', so that's what I'll do... But I'll still keep my eye on that cow.



The man comes out to see us and talks to mum. I wiggle my bum to show the man I'm a nice dog. Then he takes us to that room that smells funny and closes the door. Why did he do that? Now
I'm scared. Mummy talks to the man. Gosh she's a good mum, I hope we can do some gardening when we go home, I like helping. The man wants to touch me, no thanks. I growled and mummy is upset with me, but I'm just a bit scared mum, why does he want to touch me? It wasn't a nice pat touch either, and he smells, remember mum?  I was naughty and growled and now I have to wear a thing around my nose. Stupid thing. Mummy and the man talk some more while I hide behind mum. She won't let anything bad happen.  When the man comes back he's brought the nice lady from the front with him and he has something sharp in his hand. Mummy holds me still while the nice lady talks to me. Then something sharp goes in my leg, ouch! The man and lady leave and I'm left with my mummy. I feel better now just with mum, and she's scratching my ear again, yay.

We just sit there for a while. Mummy seems sad so I rest my chin on her knee. She's the best mum. I'm starting to feel a bit weird, really sleepy. I might lie down for a bit. The man comes back, but I don't have the energy to growl now, he's a nice man really. Mummy and the man lead me to a little room with a door. There's a nice blanket in there which looks very comfy. I'm so sleepy. I don't want to go in but it must be ok if mum goes in and talks in her nice high voice. I go in and mum goes out, I should follow her but I'm so sleepy and she tells me to wait.  Mummy kisses my nose and the door closes. I might just lie down, I'm very sleepy.

I can hear mum's voice! And Leah and Willow's giggling! They're back. I sit up and wiggle my bum but I feel very sleepy so I lie back down until they get here. I can hear that nice man talking to mum. He said that all are my lymph nodes are enlarged and it doesn't look good. I wonder what that means. The man says some other words like bloods, chemotherapy and costs but I can just hear my mummy's voice. Man I can't wait to see her.  They're here! There's mum and Willow's smiley face and there's Leah, my big girl. I get to my feet but I'm very wobbly. Let's go home! Leah takes my leash from the man, pats my bum and says 'come on Jacob.' It's so funny how she calls me that, but I don't mind. The room is rocking a bit but I need to walk with Leah, I just wanna go home with my family. The man says he'll call mum tomorrow. I wonder what for? We only come once a year, maybe he means next year. There's our car! Man I'm sleepy. Mummy helps me onto the front seat. Geez I must be tired, sorry mum. It's hard to stay sitting in the front seat like normal and mum laughs when she sees I've slumped over onto her seat. She says 'come on matey, just a little drive and we'll be home'. I can't wait so I try and sit up in my seat but end up with my head down where dad's feet go. Mum puts her hand on my back and I feel better.

We're home. Leah helps me inside but I just want to lie down. I'm all confused and I'm not sure where to settle. Mum gets me a blanket in the room with the TV so I can be with everyone. She always knows what to do. I was a bit naughty overnight and made a mess in the lounge. I'm still a bit confused and I thought it was the grassy place. Mummy cleaned it up but she didn't growl like she used to when I was a puppy, I wonder why? Mummy said I can sleep all day on her bed today while she's out (don't tell her I usually creep up onto her bed once she's gone anyway). I can't wait! I'm still very sleepy. She leaves some water in the room too, I'm glad cuz I've been so thirsty lately. Bye mum, see you tonight. Zzzzzzz

"All your dreams will come true, if you have the courage to pursue them."

I've had the 40 before 40 list on the go for about 6 months now. I added to it now and again, and the last 10 goals were quite hard to come by. I researched other's lists for inspiration and I put a lot of thought into making sure I was happy with the list.

Here is some of the thought that was put into each one.

1. Write a will

This has been on my 'to do' list for a while and we're lucky it didn't get done prior to the list starting as it's really important to have one. This is one that will be ticked off sooner rather than later.

2. Be that person that always gives great presents (and wrapped amazing too!)

We all know that person, the one who gives great gifts - thoughtful, just right, and wrapped beautifully. I want to be that person. I'm quite an efficient person and sometimes this is at the quality of the output. This goal is part of me slowing down and being more thoughtful and mindful about these sorts of things.

3. Get my masters

I love learning and this is just the next logical step. It'll help me in my career also.

4. Watch the Top 250 IMDB List

This follows on from last years, 'watch some big movies and movie series' goal. I'm planning to re-watch any that I've seen before and watch all 250. Will be tough as it changes now and then as votes are taken, but I gather... I have ten years, right?

5. Learn how to use a proper photo editing tool

It will most likely be lightroom. I've wanted to take this step for a while, but just been using picmonkey as it's easy. From what I have seen though, lightroom (which I'm told is very easy to use) can make simple changes, easily.

6. Learn how to play the guitar (better than 4 chords!) using yousician

I can play a good G... that's about it. Hah! I get by, but I'd like to unlearn some bad behaviours I've been doing for years and learn how to play properly. This is one I'm really worried about as I can hardly find time to do this blog, in addition to all my other things. I don't know where I'll find time. Plus, my nails darling! How will I play with my weeny claws?

7. Make a point of family time, AND individual Leah/Willow/Dadda time.

This is a no brainer. Making time for everyone and being the mother and wife I want to be. I'm dying to have girlie time when the girls are a bit older and I also want to make a point of spending time with Damien, without the girls. I've done some of this in the last year with Leah and it feels great.

8. Go through the 'life circle' goal process again

This was so helpful for me when I did it in 2012. It helped me shape where I was going in life and I often look back on it, read though what I want my future to be like and it refocusses me - something I definitely need from time to time.

9. Participate in at least 40 (yes 40!) events - runs, walks etc

Last year I enjoyed doing the colour run and the mauku fun fun so much that I wanted to do more and more. This puts a quantifying goal on that. 4 a year is so doable and I have a lovely group of friends who are keen to do them with me. Yay!

10. Try something completely new each year of my 30s

There were a few things that I wanted to include on the list, but for a 10 year period, just seemed too small. This one allows me to choose something completely new and different each year. It could be eating something new, a new activity, visiting a new place - Anything!

11. Take the girls (oh and Damien!) to Disneyland

This one is so exciting. Damien and I have only been to Thailand and Australia before, opting to buy a house and have our family earlier rather than do our OE thing. This is always something I wanted to do as a kid and to be able to provide this for our girls will be amazing. 

12. Go to an NRL Grand Final

Another bucket list goal. Hopefully one of our teams will be in the grand final in the next 10 years, but I think it will be an amazing experience no matter who's playing.

13. See at least one show at the theatre each year

Again, something that I love. Making sure I give myself permission to actually go, rather than just think, "oh that would be nice".

14. Finish a whole art journal

Or more importantly, have some time to relax. It's all too often I'm home at night doing school work. Even if I'm watching TV, I have my laptop on and I'm making resources or marking tests with the TV in the background. No more! I want to spend time actively relaxing and leave work at work. Art journaling allows me to have something to do while I watch TV so that I don't fall asleep lol.

15. Learn how to cook the basics AMAZINGLY

I'm not a bad cook, but I want to be a better one. I plan to make a list on exactly what the 'basics' are but at this stage I can't poach an egg - that might need to be #1.. Damien always does it for me. Hehe

16. Write my memoirs

I thought this was a cool idea for many reasons. The first being that it gives me a reason to write, something that's been falling by the wayside recently. The second being, if I was to drop dead tomorrow - how would Leah and Willow remember me? I want to write something for them to remember me by. 

17. Do the A-Z blogging challenge (Aprils) ever year of my 30s

Another reason to write. I need some motivation now and then and this provides a great idea that heaps of bloggers get into.

18. Buy a good set of cooking pans and saucepans

This one is part of me adulting properly and of course adding to improving my cooking abilities.

19. Buy a new ‘Grown up’ dining room table (when the kids aren't going to annihilate it anymore)

Which will probably be closer to when I'm 40. These children are monsters!

20. Have some inside plants that I keep alive longer than a week

Purifying the air and all that jazz. My mum used to have lots of plants in the house and I really liked it. I've tried as a housemaker myself but have often killed things. Need to put some proper effort into them.

21. Have a dish that I take to every event I'm asked to 'not bring anything but yourselves'

I admire people who do this so much. I often get talked out of it by my other half but I think I need to insist that I bring something, to make myself feel better. Making the effort and all that.

22. Throw more dinner parties for family and friends

Again, something the other half often talks me out of. I love having people over and cooking for others. I want to do it more often and for a larger range of friends and family.

23. Nail down a savings plan and stick to it

So important for things like the Disney trip. We could be saving a tonne more than we are now if we (mostly I) wasn't so frivolous with money. This all starts with making a budget then having a little bit of  self control.

24. Give back and teach the girls to give back

I've been more proactive about doing this myself in the past couple of years and it's no a cliche, it really does feel great. I want to bring the girls up knowing how lucky they are and how others aren't necessarily as lucky as them, and that they can use that position to help those in need.

25. Learn to meditate

With those black clouds that loom over me this is an important way to be more mindful and to look after my head health.  I've dabbled a bit in the last few months and I really like it, but it's hard to give myself even 1- minutes when I have reading, blogging, kids, movies etc. It's a tough one.

26. Make a dent in these one day hikes

Exercise and I have a love/hate relationship. I love when I'm doing it but convincing myself to get out and actually do it is another story. I particularly like these long walks as you see parts of the country you don't normally see...and we all know I love a list.

27. Auckland Harbour Bridge Climb
Something cool I'd like to do. I've always liked doing touristy things but often go out of Auckland to do so. With this there's no need!

28. Go Zorbing
I'd actually like to do a few of the things that they have on offer at one of the zorbing places in Rotorua. Another bucket list thing that I want to say I've given a go.

29. Go black water rafting
Damien and I went to the Waitomo caves in 2015 and I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it. This is another experience that they offer and it sounds incredible.

30. Own a spa pool 
Cool goal, right? I love our house, absolutely love it, and it would be so freaking cool to have a spa pool here - to cool down in the summer and to warm up in the winter. I can just see myself soaking in the spa and reading my nights away.

31. Read these books
I'm an adult now... 'bout time I read some books for 30 year olds, right? I guess so. Hopefully I don't have to wade through them slowly and I really enjoy what they have to offer :)

32. Do these things in my own 'backyard'
Some of these are complete piss takes, but some of them are really good. I feel like to be a real Aucklander I'll have to do them all - piss take or not.

33. Learn to love my body and treat it like it should be.
All of my previous lists have had something to do with losing weight and I don't want that to be the focus anymore. Yes I know that being a healthier weight will be a part of my future, but I don't want that to take over everything else. I also need a great skin and hair routine and I should be proud of all my body has done for me. After all, I'm gorgeous!

34. Learn how to cook vegetables in a variety of ways that I'll actually eat.
I've grown to hate myself for the fact that I don't like and eat a lot of vegetables, more and more as the years go on. Because I haven't liked them historically I've never learnt how to cook them. I like a lot of veges when I eat out. Enter: this goal.

35. Explore Auckland
Refer to #32. Enjoy this beautiful city I live in. Many people pay a lot of money to come here and look around. I think I take it for granted all too often.

36. Swim with dolphins
One from the bucket list. I met and patted some dolphins in Thailand but I'd love to have an experience with them in the water.

37. Have a good, nailed down skin care routine
The older I get, the more important I find this goal. Luckily I have some friends who can make this a very awesome reality for me.

38. Ride in a hot air balloon
This goal actually terrifies me a weeny bit and that's what makes it pretty exciting. I like the idea of the views and the feeling of being up so high. I'm not so much scared of the height as I am of not being in control.

39. Wear more dresses
I look awesome in them, but I'm a big of a dag. I like wearing clothes that are easy to wear, and many dresses are not - I feel restricted in some way, or like I'm taking up too much space, lol. I always, always feel pretty in them though, so I'd like to continue to buy, and wear more.

40.  Have a wardrobe I actually like
I think between being overweight and being a tight arse when it comes to buying clothes for myself, I just hate the bulk of my wardrobe. It's comfy and it's basic. Which is great, sometimes, but definitely not all the time. I admire people who know what to wear and how to wear it and I'd love to develop a style of my own that I'm more happy with.