I've been mulling over whether or not to write this post for a week
or so now, but I decided to because I've heard that not enough people
talk about it... as hard as that may be.
For an
undefined period of time now, I've been dealing with overwhelming
feelings of sadness, inadequacy and a whole heaps of anxiety. I remember
going to visit my doctor about it about 3 years ago, to which he told
me I 'just needed to talk to someone, and here's the number of a
councilor that will cost $110 per hour'. Ahh, thanks you unhelpful git.
Fast forward 3 years or so and here I am, diagnosed this week as
moderately depressed.
The
brain can be a hideous little organ sometimes. Logically I know I
should have no worries - I'm healthy, I have a hugely supportive husband
and two wonderful little girls, I have a gorgeous house and we're at a
great stage in our lives. Unfortunately logic doesn't matter here. I
don't ever feel like I'm doing a good enough job, at anything. At being a
mum, a wife, my job, a friend. Second guessing decisions and negative
talk about myself to myself all the time. The brain is the bully that
never sleeps, or at least, when it does it's giving you dreams about how
shit you are! Asshole.
The way I described how
I'm feeling to Damien is that I will be in a moment where my brain is
telling me I should be feeling happy - playing with the girls, throwing
the ball for Jake, having a fun night out - but I just don't. I feel
numb. And that's scary. Some days are better than others, and the
positivity that I hold onto so strong is still there, or at least I'm
trying for it to be - all.the.time.
So I'm looking at
this as another opportunity for improvement and trying very, very hard
not to feel like admitting this defeat (for lack of a batter word) is a
weakness.
