For an undefined period of time now, I've been dealing with overwhelming feelings of sadness, inadequacy and a whole heaps of anxiety. I remember going to visit my doctor about it about 3 years ago, to which he told me I 'just needed to talk to someone, and here's the number of a councilor that will cost $110 per hour'. Ahh, thanks you unhelpful git. Fast forward 3 years or so and here I am, diagnosed this week as moderately depressed.
The brain can be a hideous little organ sometimes. Logically I know I should have no worries - I'm healthy, I have a hugely supportive husband and two wonderful little girls, I have a gorgeous house and we're at a great stage in our lives. Unfortunately logic doesn't matter here. I don't ever feel like I'm doing a good enough job, at anything. At being a mum, a wife, my job, a friend. Second guessing decisions and negative talk about myself to myself all the time. The brain is the bully that never sleeps, or at least, when it does it's giving you dreams about how shit you are! Asshole.
The way I described how I'm feeling to Damien is that I will be in a moment where my brain is telling me I should be feeling happy - playing with the girls, throwing the ball for Jake, having a fun night out - but I just don't. I feel numb. And that's scary. Some days are better than others, and the positivity that I hold onto so strong is still there, or at least I'm trying for it to be - all.the.time.
So I'm looking at this as another opportunity for improvement and trying very, very hard not to feel like admitting this defeat (for lack of a batter word) is a weakness.
3 comments:
Thank you my beautiful friend for posting this on your public blog, you are right not enough people express there experiences. By posting this you are helping others to know they are not "different" for feeling a similar way and may even give someone the courage to speak out about it.
We have spoken about this over the past few days and I know that you know I'm ALWAYS here for you whenever u need me!! Loves always, me xx
Hi Kate. I want to commend you on your brave post. I imagine that must have taken a lot of courage. Many people would not have that courafe. To me, this shows true inner strength. Yes you do seem to have it all, yet you still feel this way - life doesn't always make much sense does it! Have you ever heard of the "dark night of the soul"? Its a similar concept to going through the worst to get to the best. I fully believe we need to go through dark times to learn, grow and discover so we can become happily comfortable with our true selves. I hope we hear more about your journey
Hi Kate. Your post was great yo read today. Very brave. I am going through the exact same thing at the moment too. My doctor told me I could only get counselling if I went on medication which I have chosen not to do as I want to bet this awful depression naturally. I understand and relate totally to EVERYTHING you have said. Good luck with your journey. You are already half way there for just talking about...well so I have been told.
Kim
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